I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Randomize
