I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
