I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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