But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
