can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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