The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
