i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
