Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
