why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
