I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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