Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
