This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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