Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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