I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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