so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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