life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
