sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
