My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
