and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
