The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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