i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
