'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
