new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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