i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
