woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
