He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
