dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize