Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
