I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
