it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
