At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
