For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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