I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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