All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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