I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
