I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
