when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your penis caused this!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
