glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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