Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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