Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
