Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
