Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize