Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
it was like eating out sand paper
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
