So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
