Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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