Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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