Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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