census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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