All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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