So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
