My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
