"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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