Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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