i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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