Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
