my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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