Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm bleeding and have questions
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
