I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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