Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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