she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
