Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
