if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize