totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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