a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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