Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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