you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My hand turned me down
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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