low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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