i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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