I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
