And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize